Party of Five - Six Months Later

Six months ago, I wrote this post.  Six months later, all ten reasons we plan on staying a party of five remain.  What hasn't changed in six months is my inability to fully commit to this plan.  Mate has lovingly put up with my ever-changing mind and remained steadfast in his willingness to add a fourth child to our family, if I really want to.  To be clear, it's not so much that Mate doesn't want another baby as it is that he thinks our family is pretty perfect the way it is.  I tend to agree, but worry there will always be a part of me that wonders what if? Then, there is the other part of me that worries how I'll feel if we have another baby and things don't go so well (you all know we've had our fair share of scary moments with each of the girls).  I'm pretty sure I would feel guilty and alone and responsible.  Of course, Mate would be right by my side- loving, protecting, supporting- but I would put pressure on myself to take on the brunt of the responsibility. That doesn't sound so great for either of us.

I should also admit that Mia and Ava spoiled us with their ability to self-soothe.  Eliana, on the other hand, is spoiled by parents (the singular form of that word may be more appropriate, but let's not worry about the details) who are more than willing to be her comfort.  That kid has it made. I'm not sure I could keep this pace up with a fourth kid in the mix. The other thing making it a little easier to stick with our plan, is the fact that I'm not sure I want another kid. I really just want another baby.  Since I don't want to spend every year following the first thinking what was I thinking, it's probably a good idea to quit while we're ahead.  All I know for sure is we couldn't have asked for a better party of five.