The day Eliana was born, my facebook status read: Our family is complete. Little did I know that the next year of my life would be spent questioning the validity of that statement. I was completely caught off-guard by my desire to expand our family further. I was completely caught off-guard by Eliana's attachment to me. I was completely caught off-guard by how much time I spent weighing pros and cons. Mate referred to what I was going through as postpartum mania. Admittedly, I was intoxicated by love and joy. The first year is blissful. The idea of never experiencing that again freaked me out. I tried to repeatedly force the logic in my head to overpower the feelings in my heart. It didn't work. It didn't work, that is, until I stopped trying to force it to happen. Just after the beginning of the year, Mate and I decided that adding to our family didn't have to happen before we turned 30. Removing all that pressure paid off.
Each week since Eliana turned 1, I've gained more and more clarity. I am no longer in a state of postpartum mania and we have made a big decision: our family really is complete. Here are a few of the reasons why:
1. We don't feel like anything or anyone is missing from our family.
2. We don't want to take any time, energy or resources away from the children we already have.
3. I still have no idea what I'd do with a boy and we surely do not need another girl.
4. We don't want the demands of a newborn to take away from the time we have for each other.
5. Despite all the scary moments, we have three healthy kids. We're not interested in pushing our luck.
This list isn't all-inclusive, but highlights some of the more important factors in our decision. Oh, I better not forget this one:
Eliana has issues sharing me with the two siblings she already has. I'm not brave enough to see what would happen should someone come along and try to take her place as the baby of the family.
If I ever figured it out, I promised a few girlfriends in the same predicament that I would let them know the secret to making my head and heart match. I'm not sure I have an answer, except to try not to worry and just let it happen organically.
Throughout the past year, I read so many beautifully written pieces about the sadness that often comes when the baby days are over. While I found some comfort in knowing that these emotions are normal, my goal is to concentrate on the joy, not the sadness. I will cherish every moment and welcome each milestone because I know they are gifts. I will not be greedy and ask for more or feel sorry for myself when babies turn into toddlers, preschoolers into tweens or teens into adults. Instead, I will be thankful and celebrate. After all, I have this:
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