Baby Bump

I started writing this journal-like post in April.  Now, I can share...

Round one of our conception journey: In early February, my miscarriage was confirmed.  I wasn't surprised. I wasn't angry.  I was just annoyed.  For the next month and a half, I had my blood drawn every week.  They pricked me and I waited for a phone call from my doctor.  I was annoyed each time she reported that my levels were not yet back to normal.  The kicker was when my level was 6 and 5 is considered normal.  Finally after my 7th visit, I was done dealing with the miscarriage.  My doctor advised us to wait two normal cycles until thinking about trying again.  I waited one cycle and then began using my fertility monitor.  Good news:  I have a normal cycle length and ovulate within the normal range.  That's big news considering I needed medicine to achieve this the first time around.

Round two of our conception journey:  Month one = failed attempt.  Annoying.  That's about the only emotion that I can really say I've had throughout this whole experience.  I am annoyed that I have such little control over this whole process.   I don't like counting, calculating, testing, waiting- just to find out that I will have to do it all over again.  Also, I don't like the pressure and responsibility.  I feel this immense amount of responsibility to our future third child to bring him/her into the world before the girls are much older.  I don't want the age gap to be too large.  At the same time, having more independent toddlers before a baby completes our family may be best for me.  I really, really, really want to take in every moment of what could be my last pregnancy/baby.  I don't know what it is like to just have one baby's needs to meet.  I want to know that experience.
These feelings make me feel selfish:
1. If the girls are older, less diapers, more verbal, more independent
2. When they turn two, we are signing them up for a ballet or gymnastics= time for just the baby and me
3. Preschool will start at 3= baby and me time
4. Less pregnant in Disney
5. Not pregnant in Hilton Head

The other side:
1. close in age= less likely to feel left out
2. close in age= more likely to share common interests/entertained more easily by the same activities
3. We won't feel so much like we are starting over.
4. There will be more time if we decide to have a 4th.
5. I can stop worrying about getting pregnant

Round three of our conception journey = success.  It is exactly 18 months since the girls were born.  I took a test this morning and confirmed what I already knew.  I feel relieved and anxious for time to pass so we can get to our first ultrasound.  Hopefully we will get to that point this time.  According to my calculations, this baby will be due on March 1, 2013.  Just 5 days earlier than the girls' original due date of March 6th.  Let's just hope this baby stays in for that long!  No symptoms yet.  Maybe a little sleepy.  Perhaps that's because of the crazy toddlers in my life, though.  Can't wait to have three under three!!!

We took the girls to story time at the library tonight.  While they played with Mate, I scanned the shelves for a book.  Once I found what I was looking for, I handed it to Mate and told him we'd be needing it for the girls.  It was called, I am a Big Sister.  It took a minute for him to realize what I was trying to tell him.  Of course, he wasn't surprised, but happy that what we suspected was true.

July 3rd
It's been a week since I took the test and I feel pretty awful.  Tired and nauseous all the time.  I was hoping the symptoms I experienced with the girls would not be intense so quickly with this pregnancy.  Since I'm guessing there is only one baby this time, I thought this first trimester might be easier. Not so much.

I am way more excited about this pregnancy than the one that ended earlier this year.  Looking back, I know we were expanding our family for the wrong reasons.  These six extra months with just Ava and Mia are going to make a world of difference.  I need them to be more independent.  I really could not imagine bringing another child into our home in three months.  I'm sure it would have been complete chaos.  Well, organized chaos.  We all know I like to keep it together as much as possible.

July 8th
Smells are bothering me.  That didn't happen the first time around.  My obsession with Italian bread is back.  Carbs and popsicles are my best friends right now.  I keep telling Mate this is the last time I'm doing this (which is okay since we are pretty sure three will be enough).  I actually enjoyed being pregnant with the girls after the first 4 months were over, so my opinion might change.  For now, though, I never, ever want to go through this again.  It's pretty awful.

July 13th
I got sick for the first time today.  It's Friday the 13th.  Does that mean this kids going to be trouble?  I'm exhausted. Mate has been doing a lot of the heavy lifting around here, which isn't easy for me.  I like being a one woman show.  Unfortunately, I've reclaimed the spot on the couch that I broke in during my first pregnancy.  It was so much easier to be pregnant without two toddlers.  I was spoiled.  I had already assumed my position as housewife, so whenever I needed to rest, I could.  Not this time.  The girls have been amazing, but I feel guilty that we aren't spending as much time outside or chasing each other around the house. 

July 19th
Mate left for four days today.  Hoping I can keep it together.

July 24th
We had our first ultrasound today.  Since this is most likely the last time we'll be going through this process, all four of us attended the appointment.  It was such a relief to see just one little blob on the screen this time.  Hearing the heart beat was great, too.  We're really excited for our February 27, 2013 due date.

July 30th
It's hard to keep secrets.

August 7th
2nd ultrasound and lots of blood work today.  Baby looks great.  He/she is measuring a few days ahead of schedule, but my doctor said that's not a problem.  She doubts I'll go full term...we'll see.
Glad to have the first trimester just about out of the way and to share our secret.